To Samar...

To Samar

YEARS AFTER DAUGHTER’S DEATH, AN EXTRAORDINARY DAY

http://www.opentohope.com/years-after-daughters-death-an-extraordinary-day/

YEARS AFTER DAUGHTER’S DEATH, AN EXTRAORDINARY DAY

Written by Randah Hamadeh on Sunday, February 8, 2015

I have been to our university’s graduation parties several times since my daughter passed away, but they were never held in the same hall that her high school graduation had taken place at. I did not step in that building since her graduation eight years ago.

I woke up apprehensive of what was awaiting me this morning. Everyone at home knew that I was uncomfortable. My son tried to reassure me that I would be all right as I kissed him on my way out with the gown in my hands. My daughter gave me a hug.

Despite my feelings, I thought that I owed it to my students and  my institution to force myself to attend.

I drove to the venue and as soon as my car entered the parking lot, I looked for hers, the yellow MINI that she asked us to hire for her for the BIG Day eight years ago. It was definitely not there. My tears were flowing over my face. The emotional state that I was in was beyond description. I was so confused that I forgot my eyeglasses and headed to the venue with my sunglasses instead. As I went in, the first person I saw was a graduate who shouted my name with excitement and hugged me. She insisted on taking a photograph with me. It brought so many memories.

I took my place next to my colleagues and started talking to one about  a topic other  than graduation. It did not help. I gazed at the stage and remembered how my daughter sat there. Her image did not go away. One of my colleagues kept on praising how great the venue was. She wondered why I was not saying, “Sure, it is great.” Little did she know how I felt! I looked at the faces of my graduates; they were so happy. My daughter was two years older than they, and they had become doctors. She never had the chance to go to university.

At the end of the ceremony, I saw one of graduates who was always friendly to me. He hugged me and  was in tears. His tears gave mine the permission to openly flow without hesitation. I told my student that I would miss him when I pass by that corridor in the university where I used to see him.  His father had tears in his eyes when he saw us hugging  and thanked me for the nice words I said. 

A colleague of mine was astonished to see me in tears. She asked me, “Did you remember your daughter?” I wanted to tell her, “I did not forget to remember,” but instead my tears said it all. Another  colleague of mine said, “It must be  so hard.” I just wanted to disappear as my tears increased and my colleagues wondered what had happened to me. One hugged me and another kept on telling me, “Finish, let the past go.” Another said, “I want you to know that we support you.” Another wondered what was going on and thought that the best thing was to completely change the subject and ask me about my son and his fiancee. They were confused not knowing how to deal with me. I just wanted to leave.

In the evening, I had to go to the engagement party to one of my deceased daughter’s best friends. The hard day was not over. As I got out of the car, a MINI was parked in front of the restaurant. I realized then that my deceased daughter had been with me all day!

 

Miss you my angel

إحساس غريب

إحساس غريب إنتابني

شعرت بطيفك زارني

أهو حلم يا ترى؟

حيث إنني لم أسمع ولم أرى

أحسست بأنك كنت معي

و لم أكن عن شئ أعي

طيبني ذلك الرحيق

ولامسني جلدك الرقيق

لا يمكن وصف هذا الشعور

الذي جعلني أحلق كالطيور

هدية تخففي بها الآلام

حتى ولو أنها خلت من الكلام

تمنيت لو دامت تلك اللحظات

رغم علمي بأنك معي كل الأوقات

رنده ربحي حماده(أم سمر)
جميع الحقوق محفوظة للمؤلفة© ٢٠١٥

February 2015

January 2015

2015 Calendar

You Are Not The Only One

You are not the only one suffering from loss

Or the first grieving person I came across

Remember that we have issues of our own,

Others had losses. You are not alone.

How could she make such a comment?

Was every word truly meant?

Grief is not a competition. Why compare?

Her painful words were so unfair.

  

Of my pain and loss, I will no more speak

I realize that it makes some freak.

I wish she never made this remark

On my lonely path I will embark.

Randah R. Hamadeh, 2015, Copyright©
Author, Summer Rays-Solace for Bereaved Parents

Another Year Without You My Dearest Daughter

Samar's bench in IKNS Library

!!! أليس من حقي أن أحزن

تختلسون النظر إلي إن بدأت أبكي

وتخشون أن أقص عليكم عن ابنتي وأشكي

وألاحظ وجهوكم تعبس عندما  أنوي

الحديث عن ابنتي وحبي لها أروي

ماذا تتوقعون يا أهل الخير، بربي؟

أأنسى بأنني فقدت قطعة من قلبي؟

وأكتم بين ثنايا أضلعي  شوقي وحبي؟

ولا اشكي حنيني لها  الا  لربي

 وان حبست شوقي في صدري

فإن حبي سيصدح  من عيناي  ويدوي

رنده ربحي حماده

(أم سمر)

جميع الحقوق محفوظة للمؤلفة© ٢٠١٤

December 2014

حاضرة تقهر الغياب

يا رسول الروح أخبرني

أشممت عطري وأنت تمشي في فناء الدار

،هل تلمست حيطان بيتي

،وعرفت كم جميلة روح أمي

 هل أمعنت النظر في حديقتنا  ونظرت في شكل الأزهار؟

خلسة كنت أراك تسترق النظر في وجهي

وأنت تتبادل مع أبي أطراف الحوار

شعرت كم كنت مرتبكاً في ذكر اسمي

تخشى أن توقد تنور الحنين في صدر أبي

وأمي تهمس بصمت تشير لك بروحها

 هذي سمر التي أعشق وتلك التي تكتب عنها الأشعار

هل أعجبتك رسومي

هل نظرت بوجه "قدر" كم تشبهني في لون السمار؟

يا رسول الروح

هذا المكان بيتي ومازال بيتي

هذي أمي أحببت قربك منها

:سمعتها تقول لك

كيف لوحت لها يداي

وأني كنت أجلس على رمشها

يا رسول الروح رفقاً بقلب أمي وأذكرني لها كثيرا

هي التي لا تخاف من ذكر اسمي

وتعشق لو نطق الكون كله سمر

أنا سمر التي لا تموت في ذاكرة الأبرار

وأمي جنة لا تفارقني

.اعشق أمي وأعلم أن الكثير من عشقها لي يغار

لؤي طه

في بيت الغالية سمر

In Loving Memory of Samar

Photography by Raneem Al Hazeem

أنفاسي

عند ما تخلدين إلى النوم

تحيط بك أنفاسي دون أن تعلمي

تعطر مخدتك وسريرك

 لتنامي وتنعمي

لحظات وتجدين نفسك

بي تحلمي

تريني مع أهل الجنة

بالسعادة أنعم

حينها قلبك يا أمي

للسكينة يستسلم

وتعلو الابتسامة شفتيك

من دون أن تعلمي

عندها أودعك

حتى لقاء آخر وأعود لعالمي

رنده ربحي حماده

(أم سمر)

جميع الحقوق محفوظة للمؤلفة© ٢٠١٤

November 2014